Archie: If Kirby absorbed you, what power would he get?
Jughead: So, you think she’s the girl for me?
Kevin: Oh, yeah. She’s tons of fun, and you’re no fun at all. She completes you.
Jughead: Promise me something, Archie. Never breed.
Archie: I’ll try.
Betty: Okay guys! If you were a fruit, what kind would you be?
I’d be a tomato because no one accepts me as part of the group.
…Creative! Okay, who’s next?
Archie: Why are you looking at me like this is my fault?
Jughead: Because it is your fault.
Archie: Yeah, you’re probably right.
Jughead: Are you drunk?
Archie: I don’t know, Mom, am I?
that SNL skit was still better written than an actual episode